You Deserve an Updated Model of Parenting: How to Build a “Village” and Carve Out More Time For Yourself as a Mother
Written by Dr. Jaclyn Graham ND
Parenting is incredibly rewarding, but it is also equally challenging because there’s simply no pause button. While modern life can make us feel as though we are expected to manage parenting all on our own, the truth is that parents were never meant to do it alone. Humans are highly social beings and we thrive most when surrounded by a community where everyone contributes to the betterment of all.
As a mother of two amazing kiddos, I am quite familiar with the demands of motherhood both from within and from our results driven culture. We want to do what’s best for our children, partner, and basically keep our family happy and healthy (no small feat!). All while also juggling finances, a career, household chores, appointments, and potentially caregiving an aging parent. That burnt-out, on the verge of collapse feeling is all too familiar to many of us at one point or another. What’s worse is the guilt that we carry for not being able to do it all perfectly, gracefully, and solo.
The challenge here is not only to have a moment to take a breath, step back, and give yourself a real break but to also build something new to help prevent the burnout cycle. A new way of doing things that honours you as a person with your own set of needs, that recruits a supportive team of people or professionals and routines that are right for you and work for your family, and discards demands that don’t serve you. Easier said than done, I know.
An updated model of modern parenting: you are not alone
When guilt creeps in as we contemplate reaching out for help, it can be easy to view childcare support as a luxury - something we should be able to manage without. There’s so many other things you could spend your money on!
Far from an optional luxury, communal support is a healthy and necessary part of making the many demands of modern family life feel more manageable and sustainable.
A robust network of supportive adults is essential for the well-being of families and children. So much so that it shouldn’t be seen as a bonus - it’s the absolute baseline for healthy living. Again, parents were never meant to do everything alone. Leaning on a “village” is a healthy and deeply human model for raising children.
How To Build Your “Village”:
Outsource chores, gain more time
Consider hiring help to manage even just one recurring chore such as lawn care, meal prep or grocery delivery, house cleaning, snow removal, or laundry. Sometimes buying back a few hours of your time is more valuable than anything else you could spend your money on.
Respite & Nanny Services to help you rest & recharge
You may not necessarily need full-time childcare - just a few extra hours a week might be just what you need to take a break, gather yourself, and practice some self-care. If you can commit to it financially, create a predictable schedule at least a month in advance (for example, every Friday 5:30 to 8:30 pm or every Sunday all day) so that you can have that time to look forward to and you can rely on it. You can use this time to do whatever you want with it - even doing absolutely nothing at all can be so beneficial to provide that valuable reset.
One rule - use childcare for yourself - not just for running errands and catching up on chores. Not every day needs to be used to optimize output. In fact, when we are sitting peacefully we are actually very busy doing something fundamentally important - regulating our nervous system, allowing for reflection and creative thinking, and rebuilding and healing our bodies.
Visit our Local Supports & Professionals page under the heading Respite Care OR Postpartum Doula/Nursing/Overnight Respite for a listing of local businesses that may benefit you.
Trade childcare with another mother or sibling
If you have a great neighbour or friend that you trust approach them with the idea of a simple reciprocal arrangement once a week (so that you can look forward to downtime twice a month). Each mother benefits and your child gains a friend! If you have siblings of your own they may also have kids and want to trade childcare with you - win-win!
Add extended family to your family calendar - and schedule them in
Talk to grandparents about regular visits either at your home or theirs with just them and the kids. This one-on-one grandparent to child time gives them space to connect more deeply - which is important for both your child and your parents’ mental health. Make it a regular thing like a weekly dinner with Grandma and Grandpa or a monthly weekend sleepover party, put it in the calendar for the next few months to a year. Knowing when exactly you are going to have a break can provide tremendous relief and give you an exact (and regular) date and time that you can reliably look forward to.
Extra-curricular programming
Consider enrolling your child in a weekly program where the commitment is more than 90 minutes per session (and possibly up to 3 hours per session!). This gives your child extra time to have fun (longer than most extracurricular programs), to develop new friendships and learn new skills, while you give yourself a healthy amount of down time (not just a quick 30-60 mins swim class):
There are many programs offered in the Niagara-Hamilton Region to consider beyond this list, but here are a few suggestions to get you started:
DSBN International Languages Elementary program - which provides 2.5 hours per week for JK-Grade 8 and is funded by the Ministry of Education. https://www.dsbn.org/learning-programs/adult-community-education/international-languages-elementary-program/
Hamilton (HWDSB) also offers a similar program. https://cce.hwdsb.on.ca/international-languages-elementary
Hamilton Chinese School - provides 2.5 hours per week for JK-Grade 8, offering language training and cultural exposure and traditional arts. https://hamiltonchineseschool.org/our-programs.html
Visual Arts classes are often 90 minutes:
Theatre and Drama Classes are often 90 minutes to 3 hours per session:
Recreational and Competitive Dance/Gymnastics - some classes run for 90 minutes up to 6 hours per week. Reach out to the studios directly to find out which classes are most appropriate for your child:
Sports:
Schedule your activities just as you schedule everyone else’s
Block out time in your google or analogue calendar to ensure you have that walk with a friend, or that physiotherapy appointment, or weekly massage, or hair appointment, or better yet - completely uninterrupted downtime possibly doing nothing at all. Let everyone know and keep that time protected. Avoid treating it as optional. Having it in a physical calendar minimizes the risk that it will be forgotten.
The benefits of building a community - building bridges for all
Whichever additional support person or program you choose for your child, the experience it offers will meaningfully benefit your child’s development and mental-emotional health. Each relationship and experiences adds another layer of connection and support. A trusted respite worker might take a child to the park or play a board game with them. A teacher or coach may help build their self-confidence and spark a new interest or talent they didn’t know they had. And a grandparent, uncle, or aunt might teach them a family tradition - or simply make them feel special as they enjoy a movie together. Your child will feel surrounded by more and more people effectively expanding their social circle and adding to their sense of belonging to a larger community outside of the home. This helps develops a sense of security, identity, and self-worth.
The same goes for you - you too will feel the benefits of a supportive community that you can rely on and people you can turn to when things are difficult.
Space for you to feel your best
There are 8,760 hours in a year and we spend roughly one-third of those hours sleeping and another third working - two things that are largely non-negotiable. Yet setting aside three hours a week for a year amounts to less than 2% of your time. And those hours give you something incredibly valuable:
Space to rest and recharge.
Space to exercise and care for yourself.
Space to attend appointments without the added juggling.
Space for less multi-tasking.
Space to spend time and reconnect with your partner.
Space to try something new, have an experience, or simply enjoy being yourself for a moment of peace.
A few hours one day a week just might make the other six days in a week feel remarkably easier. Three hours a week is less than 2% of your year. But the impact of having that time back can be game changer.
Remember that the goal isn’t to remove yourself from your children’s lives - to spend less time together - but to make sure you aren’t carrying the entire weight of raising them alone. And when your children grow up, they will recall the many people that made a difference in their childhood and be more likely to carry these strategies forward as they start their own families.
Because it really does take a village to raise a child.
